Friday, 8 April 2011

Cricket jokes

The disgruntled batsman stormed into the pavilion and flung down his bat. “Terrible,” he shouted. “I’ve never played so badly before.”

The captain looked up. “Oh, you’ve played before, have you?”

******

The standard of batting in the local side was very low. Even at the net practice, they couldn’t hit a thing.

Finally, the captain rushed forward and grabbed the bat. “Now bowl me some fast ones!” he yelled.

Six fast balls came down in quick succession and the captain missed them all. Not to be put off, he glared at the team and

shouted, “Now that’s what you’re all doing. Get in there and hit them!”

******

The batsman had a large opinion of his prowess. He was approached by a club member, who couldn’t resist saying to him,
“You know, whenever I watch you bat, I always wonder…”

Batsman: “I know, I know. How I do it.”

Club member: “No. Why you do it.”

******

The bowler had a dreadful match which cost his side the game. All week long he practiced hard for the next game. During the
following match, he said to the captain, “Notice any difference?”

The captain looked at him thoughtfully. “You’ve had your hair cut, haven’t you?”

******

The captain called the batsman into his room. “We’ve got some very tough matches coming up,” he said, “and I wanted to talk
to you because we need someone with an iron nerve, a strong constitution and great skill in the side. And that’s why I’m asking
you to resign.”

******

A bowler was disgusted by several of the umpire’s decisions.
“Have you got a minute?” he asked.

“Yes,” said the umpire.

“Well, tell me all you know about cricket.”

******

In a village match, one of the batsmen received a fast ball which caught him in the mouth and broke several teeth. The next
year, in the return match, he faced the same bowler.

“I hope you’re not after my teeth this year,” he said.

“No,” grinned the bowler, “this time it’s the stumps I’m after!”

******

The local game had been a bitter affair, with neither side giving anything away and an unusual amount of hostile bowling.
Several injuries were sustained, and after the game one of the batsmen was seen pacing up and down the pitch.

“Ah, I see you’re reliving the battle,” said the grounds man.

“No,” said the player. “I’m looking for my teeth.

******

The batsman was new to the side, and in his first innings he did so badly that the crowd began to slow hand-clap and barrack
him. Things got worse. The language got more and more abusive, his play-more inept, and finally, he was out. As he dashed for
the pavilion, rotten fruit and eggs were thrown at him, but he managed to gain the safety of the dressing-room, where the
captain was waiting for him.

“Blimey!” panted the batsman, “they don’t like that umpire, do they?”

Fleeting nature of life

Cherry blossoms, symbols of the fleeting nature of life, are blooming in Tokyo but many of the usual boisterous parties will be cancelled as Japan reels from its quake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. And in Washington, thousands braved cold weather and downpour, to enjoy the cherry blossoms, a highlight of the US capital’s cultural calendar. Some 3,000 cherry trees were given to Washington as a gift from the mayor of Tokyo in 1912 as a symbol of US-Japanese friendship.–Photos by AP & AFP

A sparrow sits on a branch of a fully bloomed cherry tree at Tokyo's Ueno Park.

Friday, 25 February 2011

Flight: Fly like an eagle

Bo was lying back in the grass enjoying the warmth of the sunshine after a long cold winter, daydreaming about catching supper when his attention was caught by a lone eagle floating around on invisible currents of air.

“Aah!” he thought in envy. “If only I could fly around like that I would know exactly where to hunt supper instead of having to spend hours and hours tracking something edible across the endless plains while having to keep looking over my shoulder for something like a sabre-toothed tiger tracking me!”

Sucking the last bit of marrow out off a chunk of hairy mammoth bone, Bo concentrated on the eagle a little longer and then, with a wild shout, heaved himself up, brushed his matted hair away from his eyes, squinted into the distance then took off running as fast as his hairy legs would go — flapping his long arms up and down in the hope that he would, if he tried hard enough, be able to fly like the eagle! And, just for a moment, he thought he’d done it as suddenly there was air, not ground, beneath his feet which is when he realised that he’d run straight off a short, sharp, drop!

Luckily for Bo, he landed without hurting anything other than his pride, as two other hunters witnessed his incredible performance and would, no doubt, rush straight back to tell everyone else in his little tribe what they had seen. Not to be put off, Bo next tried fastening feathers all over his animal hide clothes and even in his hair and beard, doing this miles away from their shared cave so that no one would see, of course, as he didn’t want everyone laughing at him again.

He’d forgotten about the eagle though; it watched this strange human creature flapping around in frenzy on the ground and then, to its utter astonishment, watched it jump off a really high cliff, flap its feather covered arms two or three times and then fall, straight down on to the rocks with a horrifying splat!

‘A convenient dinner,’ thought the eagle hoping that humans would continue this new sport thus saving him hunting time in the process.This sad event took place thousands and thousands of years ago when human beings were learning how to make the best of life in the world as they knew it and Bo really was ahead of the times when it came to dreaming up inventions. Bo and his tribe inhabited what later became Eastern Europe and, over the next few thousand years, they slowly but surely migrated eastwards until, in around 400BC — one of Bo’s descendants — a young man called Bi, glued together some pieces of paper, fastened them to a wooden frame, tied a piece of string to the contraption and thus invented what is still known as a kite.

Bi, by the way, lived in ancient China where colourful kites of all descriptions soon became part and parcel of the scene although, much to Bi’s disappointment, he didn’t manage to make one strong enough to carry a man up into the air which, like Bo, is what he had hoped to achieve.

Other descendants of Bo, scattered all over the world by now, repeatedly made wings out of feathers, wood and cloth and other odd items in their countless attempts to fly like the eagle. But as human arm muscles are much weaker than bird wing muscles, none of them manage more than a hop or a skip and many of them, sadly to say, emulating Bo by going splat!

Mankind’s fascination with flight didn’t diminish in the slightest and, if anything, grew stronger than ever, eventually driving a relatively modern day descendant of Bo, an Italian genius called Leonardo da Vinci — another guy way ahead of his time just like Bo — to sit down and design, amongst other things, the ‘Ornithopter’ back in the year of 1485. This amazing flying machine, on which today’s helicopters are based, didn’t actually get off the drawing board but the intention was obviously there and, if Leonardo da Vinci had really got his act together and successfully built and flown the Ornithopter at that time, history would have been very different indeed!

Three hundred years down the line, in 1783, something did finally get in the air: two French brothers, Joseph Michel and Jacques Etienne Montgolfier, direct descendants of Bi’s grandmother’s sister’s brother’s first cousin twice removed known, for the record, as Ba. They invented the very first hot air balloon made from Chinese silk with a passenger basket slung underneath. On its maiden flight it rose to 6,000ft in the air and flew for approximately one mile with its live passengers, a sheep, a rooster and a duck, wondering what on earth was going on!

Having proven that their idea worked, the brothers soon began flying people around which really encouraged yet another distant descendant of Bo who, like the brothers, was quite unaware of his bloodline, to go one better. George Cayley this man was called, designed a number of gliders between 1799 and the 1850s and a little boy, name unknown but definitely one of the tribe, had the dubious pleasure of being the very first person to actually ‘glide’.

The first long distance glider capable of carrying a human passenger was designed and flown by a German engineer, relationship to Bo not known, called Otto Lilienthal in 1891. And he personally flew over 2500 times before being killed in an aviation accident. He did, however, write a major book on aerodynamics, published in 1889 and on which the Wright Brothers based their own designs.

The Wright Brothers, Orville and Wilbur, American descendants of Bo, are credited with being the very first people to actually fly. Beginning with one of Bi’s kites, they studied every conceivable theory of flight, including the need for an engine to keep them in the air, eventually coming up with ‘The Flyer’, an aeroplane which lifted off from flat ground to the north of a place called Big Kill Devil Hill, a name Bo would have appreciated, at 10: 35am December 17th, 1903, with Orville at the controls.

Since that time, countless varieties of flying machines have taken to the air, transporting people and goods all over the world and even, once rockets arrived on the scene, taking man to the moon and beyond. Bo would really have been delighted by the following which is all he really wanted. There are a wide variety of hang-gliders and propulsion backpacks which enable just a single person to soar like an eagle and even to hunt down supper if that is their intent!

Story time: Deep water

There once was a river as wide as an ocean and my petrifying adventure began there. They called it the Ghostly River and spoke of its mysterious nature and mothers scared the children to sleep just by mentioning its name.

I felt scared and provoked, so I decided to find out for myself what happened to everyone who went there. One day I went there and stealthily I crept nearer and nearer until a great tidal wave of what seemed like ice, swept over me. I felt nothing but cold. There was a horribly painful drowning sensation before everything went black.

I woke up in darkness and lay on an immensely uncomfortable surface that felt like a bed of nails. I just managed to sit up in tons of slimy, slippery seaweed. I don’t know how far I swam, but it felt like miles. Suddenly I realised that I needed to get out and fast.

I swam up with all the strength I could gather, sliced through the water and suck in a breath of fresh air. I was drained and exhausted by then. The bitter cold water had started to pierce my skin and chill my bones. I started sinking deeper and deeper.

And then appeared a light and soft hand that clutched mine. I was frozen but the warm embrace was bringing me to life. I could taste the feint familiar scent and it roused me from the deep slumber….

It was a cold morning and my quilt had slipped on the floor. I was shivering in cold when my mother arrived to wake me up for school. Her smile was brilliant like the morning sun and reassuring as always.

BIOGRAPHY OF A SOFT BOARD

A www… Stop it! Give me a break! Umm… sorry, I was just shouting at the kids who torture me by poking me everyday with pins! If I were a human, I would have died the very moment, but no such luck! Yeah, yeah, you guessed right. I am actually a poor old soft board.

My life wasn’t as hard as it is now. I used to be very happy with my family. Once I was enjoying a good laugh with my sister… 

Oh! How I miss her…. She was so lovely…. Well! that laughter stopped abruptly as a bunch of mean guys (hunters) approached and sliced me. The last thing I heard was my sister yelling at them, scornfully. Then gloomy and murky darkness surrounded me…

I don’t know how I survived while passing through the machines which sliced, banged and crashed me as if I was their arched enemy. The second thing I remember is that I was in this vacant school, delivered by a rusty van. I wonder if this school is the same one to which my cousin was also brought to become a blackboard! But I can’t see him anywhere because I am pinned with nails and I can’t even budge! And everyday kids come early in the morning and start poking me. They don’t understand that it hurts… even the big old lady, which leads them! She is so tender and loving with the kids but she doesn’t know I am alive. I am homesick! I want to go back to my mom. I miss her a lot.

I know, I am old enough but I also have feelings…. The pins hurt! These humans say “Kindness is everything,” but they pin this slogan on me! I will die soon.

The last thing I want to say before every piece of foam in me is empty… Care for everyone and everything, even if it’s not a living being.

Oh! Here they come again… ouch!

Interesting aviation facts

• Most planes flying internationally have their home country’s flag painted on or around their tails. Generally, the flag is facing the proper way round on the left (port) side of the aircraft and backward on the starboard side. Why? Because that’s how it would look if a real flag were hoisted on a pole above the airplane during the flight.

• Airline doors and windows are often inset a few millimetres from the fuselage so that they’ll expand to be flush with the fuselage during flight.

• If you look closely at the top of jet airliners wings, you’ll probably find a row of small metal tabs standing about one inch (2.5cm) tall, especially in front of the ailerons. These are vortex generators, which actually help the air follow the shape of the wing during flight by creating tiny whirlwinds over the wing. You can sometimes find vortex generators on the tail and in front of the rudder, too.

• Each engine on a Boeing 747 weighs almost 9,500 pounds (4,300 kg), costs about $8 million, and burns about 12 gallons of fuel per minute when cruising. Altogether the four engines account for about five per cent of the total weight of a full 747 upon takeoff.

• Even if you strapped on giant wings, you could never fly because the human heart can’t pump blood quick enough to satisfy the enormous strain of flapping. When flying, a sparrow’s heart pumps more than 450 times each minute!

• The windows in an airport control tower must be tilted out at exactly 15 degrees from the vertical to minimise reflections from both inside and outside the control tower.

• Cathay Pacific aircraft are equipped with toasters, cappuccino makers, rice cookers and skillets.

• A KLM 747-400 flight from Amsterdam to Australia carries an average of just over 1,000 kilogrammes of food, and some 1,324 litres of beverages.

• American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by removing one olive from each salad served in first class.

• Virgin Atlantic says catering is its third biggest cost after fuel and engineering-maintenance.

• KLM is the world’s oldest airline established in 1919.

Monday, 21 February 2011

A unique safari through Gilgit-Baltistan


ISLAMABAD: Tourists can now see snow leopards in their natural habitat on the sky-high mountainous terrains of Gilgit-Baltistan. An adventure safari provides an opportunity for tourists to visit the mighty mountains in the country’s extreme north and capture fantastic scenes where these wild animals, also known as “big cats” by the locals, are found playing, hunting and relaxing.

This ambitious plan, carved out by Himalayan Holidays, an Islamabad-based tour operator, will help explore snow leopards, which are found in the dense forests at an altitude of 1,200 to 2,000 metres (3900 to 6600 feet).

“By organising this event we can entertain the visitors with not just wildlife, but also include tours of the serene valleys where tourists can witness diverse cultures, snow-clad mountainous peaks and gushing streams and rivers,” said Najib Ahmed Khan, owner of Himalayan Holidays.

Khan is determined that the spectacular event, besides attracting visitors from around the country, would help enthrall the tourists from across the world, boosting Pakistan’s tourism industry.

“It is a unique move towards tapping into the country’s endangered wildlife species and using our fascinating flora and fauna to promote tourism,” Najib said.

He, however, said focus would be on snow leopards as the wildlife sector had so far not figured in country’s tourism activities.

The tour will take wildlife lovers from Islamabad to Gilgit, where the journey begins by a road trek to Ramghat via Partabpul and Bunji. A bar-b-que dinner at sunset on the Nanga Parbat will conclude day one.

Day two starts with a hike to Neelidar, going as high as about 600 metres in five hours to discover the big cats, roaming freely in their habitats.

Third day’s hiking leads to Akalotamo where the local guides brief the visitors about places for filming of fantastic scenes of big cats. On day four, the group will be taken to the enchanting destination of Misikhandgah.

An individual snow leopard lives within a well-defined home range, but does not defend its territory aggressively when encroached upon by other big cats.

Like other cats, snow leopards use scent marks, scent to indicate their territory and common travel routes. Being most active at dawn and dusk they are known for their extreme secretive and well camouflaged nature.

The diet of the snow leopard also varies across its range and with the time of year, depending on prey availability. In the western Himalayas it preys mostly Himalayan blue sheep, Markhor, ibex and smaller prey consists of marmots, woolly hares and birds such as the snow cock and chukar. However, it is not averse to taking domestic livestock which brings it into direct conflict with humans.

Snow leopards have not been reported to attack humans, and appear to be among the least aggressive of all the big cats.

As a result, they are easily driven away from livestock, they readily abandon their kills when threatened and may not even defend themselves when attacked.

Snow leopards prefer to ambush prey from above, using broken terrain to conceal their approach, and can leap as far as 14 metres. They actively pursue prey down steep mountainsides, using the momentum of their initial leap to chase animals for up to 300 meters.

Estimated population of snow leopards in Pakistan is 420 to 500 with their habitat stretching over 80,000 square miles in Skardu, Astore Bunji (Nanga Parbat region), Khunjran Borogil and Chitral.